Wednesday 3 August 2022



The Four Poppiesmen

Here we are Josiah, middle a winter, coldest winter ever and still no players, fifty quid to get into a ramshackle dump, watching 4 snails, 3 tortoises, a cupla sloth, tectonic Ted the terrapin wearing the No9 shell up frunt, una parrot in goal. Pitch is like the Gobi desert, more hillocks than the Himalayas. Prawgramme scrawled on a single bit uv Izal bog paper, shiny side unawl. No chips, burgers like inside a worn-out shoe leather, drinking gnat’s piss outta toilet brush holder, only 4 super loyal Poppies supporters and we take it in turns to dig hole each week for the cesspit.

Yis, just the 4 on us.

Weren’t like this fordy years agoo, weren’t.

Nothing like it Seth, ent that lung back when we used tev a team be Halloween, proper players unawl, well some were a bit duff. Only a tenner ta geddin. 12-page prawgramme, crinkle cut chips in a cardboard cone, tea in a plastic cup, and we adda replica shirt, wrung size mind.

Thad ent oat, when we were squirts, we adda team be start a season, 30 odd players. luuuvlee, lush green pitch, uva a thousund watching, a fiver ta geddin. In the play orffs every coupla seasons, reached the first round uther cup most seasons. We ad tea in a mug, pasties and pies frum the Poppies Canteen. Shiny stainless steel community urinal, with targets, you couldn’t stand too close cus uv splash back, sheer luxury.

That’s buggrall, when I werra nipper, air ole man told us, we had a team before the end uv the season before, pitch like crown green bowls, tea outta gold rimmed bone china cup. They used to pay us ta geddin. Ground wuz like a palace, cumfy reclining seats with armrest. 15 course meal before kick orff. Free beer, massage to boot. Bidet next to the toilet. Leather bound; gilt edged 640 page prawgramme, printed on the finest vellum. This dandy fella, used to come up from Savile Row every year, to measure us up furra shirt, silk shirt unawl, hand delivered next morning. Won the FA cup every year, won the league before Christmas, be 50 points. Ten thousund watched every game, gates were locked a week before the match.

Those were the days Ezekiel, tell the young’uns that and they won’t believe us.

Think they know it all, know sod all.

Yer right there Obadiah.

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